I was just laying in bed, and I decided I had to write. I'm not a very private person, I'm definitely more of an open book. I'll tell you what you want to know, and then some, just because. But, this is a little different. It might be a bit of an over-share, but I need to share. I think it'll help me.
As I've eluded to in past posts, I've had some health troubles since Anna's birth. It's complicated, and quite a long story, but essentially one thing that came up during my pregnancy, wasn't monitored correctly and has caused some issues that all recently came to a head.
The quick rundown - I had outpatient surgery 2 week after Anna was born to fix something that wasn't quite right. All seemed to be going well at first, but as it turns out, my system wasn't back on track. Last week, I had surgery to fix all of that. But just 4 hours after getting home from that surgery, I was back at the ER, and going in for another surgery. Something went very wrong during the first surgery and had to be fixed right away.
I went to my doctor today for a follow up. While I was there we went over everything again, and he explained that hopefully things should be healing well now. However, then he dropped a bomb on me. We'll most likely not be able to have anymore kids. I was not prepared in any way shape or form, for the words -infertility, catastrophic, 2% chance, etc. Ouch. I nearly fell off the table. I was stunned. I knew going into the surgery there was a small risk of complications, and a small chance it could affect fertility. But, I needed to get things fixed and I was hopeful it would all go smoothly. Unfortunately, it didn't go smoothly and my body probably won't be able to sustain another pregnancy. I cried in the lobby, my mom and I cried together, I cried telling Brian, I cried when I got home, I'm crying now, and I know when I hold my girls tonight, I'll cry a lot more.
The "how many kids" conversation, wasn't one we'd had a lot... it was open-ended. Brian and I are each one of three, so before we were married, we liked the idea of also having three kids. After Anna was born, we talked about it a little, and agreed we'd talk again about it in a year or so. It helped that we seemed to have the doctors vote of confidence too. Right after Madelyn's birth, one of the first things he said to Brian was - "well, that couldn't have gone any better!" And after he delivered Anna, he said - "you are meant for this, I think you could do it another 5 times." So, to hear that same doctor today, tell me no more, is something I'll be struggling to digest for a bit. It's so definite and so real.
The house is so quiet right now. Madelyn is at school and my mom has Anna. I can't wait for my family to get home, so I can hug them all so tightly. I want them to know how much I love them, but I also just really need a hug. I always count my blessings, but especially today, a tough day, I'm reminding myself to be grateful for what we have and saying a few prayers for the strength to get through.
hope you all are well~
XO
No comments:
Post a Comment