One month from today, I will turn 35. Yikes.... just yikes. I can't articulate the feelings that I have about this mini-milestone birthday. Lets just say, the day approaching has stirred all sorts of emotions up in me. Looking ahead and trying to mentally prepare myself to be 3-5, here are some of the things I am feeling:
* Proud - I cant remember daydreaming as a kid or young adult, about finding prince charming, or an elaborate wedding of my dreams, or the house with a white picket fence and kiddos running around. Not to say I didn't think about these things, and wish for them - because I did. I just don't think ahead like that, probably because I'm too consumed with the every day stuff. That said, when I think about where I am at 3-5, my heart could burst with pride. I feel like I am more self-aware now than every before. I have a better understanding of me - I am no longer afraid to say no, I know when to bend, and when to stand strong. I am proud of my accomplishments, my marriage, my family. I feel like I struck the jackpot, and I'm so proud of the family and friends that are near and dear to me. Everything in life takes work, and just like watering a garden (which I don't do, because Brian has the green thumb!) when you take the time to work at it, the reward is great.
* Happy - Don't worry, be happy. Well, I'm not sure what it would take for me not to worry, but nonetheless, I am happy. I know what I like, and don't like, and I try to remember each day, to do what makes me happy. It's important to me to be at my best, for my family and for me, so being happy is key, for everyone!
* Determined - The biggest (and most positive) change in my life since having kids, is my determination. My intentions are clear, and my determination like no other - because everything I do, I do for my kids. I may have given up some of me, and I'm more selfless now, but that is 100% for the better. Watch out - don't mess with this Mama Bear ;)
* Passionate - Pretty sure, 5 or 10 years ago, passionate would not have been a word I would have used to describe myself. After a few job/life changes, and self reflection, I've learned I am passionate. There are a lot of things I feel strongly about - and I can't hide it.
* Anxious - Pretty sure that me, and Mr. Anxiety, will be friends for my lifetime. Makes me sound crazy, but its certainly not bad. Being a mom, has only increased the amount of things in life to worry and be anxious about. However, I have such contentment about where we are, and what we're doing, that my anxiety is low. I worry about aging and being in good health, but I have been taking better care of myself recently, and seeing such positive results. Pretty sure if I can keep this up, it'll be great.
* Finding balance - Finding a balance pretty much = joy, to me. Because I think when you find it, everything else falls into place, and you are able to appreciate everything and find joy in it all. All that has happened over the last 5 years of my life, has brought me at a place of (much better) balance. Sure there are days that aren't, but I treat those as a lesson and try to improve on the next day.
Life isn't perfect, and God knows, neither am I. But, I am ready 35 - I can't really believe it, but I'll embrace it. To think back, I was pregnant with Madelyn on my 30th birthday, and still in a lot of respects, a kid. So much growing up over the last 5 years, and growth as a person. When I think of my personal changes, it sort of has me excited for the next 5 years and changes to come before the HUGE milestone birthday. Certainly, in no hurry for that one though :) To celebrate this birthday, we are going away for the weekend with friends. Our first time away for 2 nights (without a wedding, etc) just us, fun, and friends. To say I am excited - is an enormous understatement. So much to celebrate, so much to be grateful for. I say, hooooooray for 3-5. I'm ready for ya!
